In prior to my experience on September 11, 2002, I had been in a deep depression. After devoting my entire life to Fourth Way work and making sincere effort on myself, still the enlightenment was not happening. I have done everything I could (at my best) – effort to remember myself, non-expression of negative emotions, and choosing work over anything else, etc. I became perhaps a ‘better’, ‘nicer’, and more balanced person compared to a decade ago, but the enlightenment was still not happening. I started to see the probability that I might not awaken in this life time…and this was not acceptable.

I went into a deep, deep depression. I did not commit suicide but suicidal thoughts were always there.

The only thing mattered in my life – the awakening – was unlikely to happen to me. What’s the reason to live then? Am I just going to live rest of my life, making effort, but in sleep? Is this my fate for this life time? THIS WAS NOT AT ALL ACCEPTABLE. I acted superficially fine externally but I was in a deep depression, all the way to the bottom, feeling that the enlightenment was not going to happen.

I struggled in this state for several years.